Sad

It's been a while since I've blogged.  I've been meaning to for a long time...had lots of posts in my head.  I'd planned to come post about the whirlwind my life has been in the month since I last blogged, and I do still plan to do that, but for now I have something else on my mind.

I'm sad tonight.  I met this guy back when I was in IOP.  This guy and I couldn't have been more different, and honestly he annoyed the crap outta me when I first met him.  I found him to be an unbelievably full of himself know it all.  He already had a couple of months sober when he came into the program, so after my relapse he was a bit more than 3 months ahead of me.  (Funny part is that back then that amount was HUGE to me....because 100 days was unfathomable when I struggled to link more than a week or so.  Now a difference of 3 months really isn't that big...and once we both have a year then we'll seem really close in time).  Anyway, he had already been in inpatient rehab before coming to IOP so he didn't stay super long.  He came in well after me and graduated before me.  (Granted I had a rather long stay in IOP....I needed remedial lessons...lol  But at least I made it out the "right" way...rather than the ones that disappeared/gave up or got kicked out for screwin around).

After this guy graduated, and I wasn't really sad to see him go, I seemed to keep running in to him.  And honestly every time I saw him I started liking him more.  We were going to the same school at that time, and he happened to have a class that started after mine ended.  We'd talk in the halls for the 15 min. or so before he had to go in to class.  I found I enjoyed his company outside of a treatment setting...when we could just talk about whatever rather than recovery focused stuff.  (OK meetings and whatnot did come up....but in a much more limited way).  I ended up having to drop that class though, so I again thought that would likely be the last time I'd see him.

Then one night I was at a meeting w/my sponsor.  It was the meeting where I first met her, but I didn't go there often because I didn't feel I clicked with many of the people there.  Well, guess who happened to be there at that meeting!  It's funny because during IOP we'd talked about what we look for in a meeting and he and I had said pretty much exact opposite things.  So it was fitting, and funny, that he had apparently been spending a lot of time at this club where I really didn't like the meetings.  (He liked talking with the "old-timers" with lots of years of sobriety because they had experienced so much life while sober and showed him it was possible and could help guide him through anything....I got intimidated and annoyed by people with so much sobriety because I felt I didn't have a connection to them.  I still feel that way in some cases, but especially early on I much preferred getting advice from someone who had a year or two...or less...or at least single digits...because I couldn't fathom staying sober a year much less 10+ years).

Anyway, we once again reconnected at this particular meeting, and I started going every week mainly just to hang out with him.  I gave him rides home a couple of times and it was on those drives that this incredible connection blossomed seemingly out of nowhere.  While I was still in a bit of a rough place in life, and really struggling, we could both make each other laugh so hard we cried and our sides hurt.  We had these never-ending inside jokes that built and built upon each other until it was like we were speaking a language no one else could understand.  We could say one word to each other and crack the other one up.  Sometimes it was just a look.  It became almost dangerous for us to sit by each other, or even where we could see each other during meetings because we would get each other laughing so much.

Now I've never had a boyfriend.  I've never dated.  I've been with plenty of guys, but never really by choice.  Even relationships I'd thought were of my choosing were really, I realized later, based on manipulation.  So in the world of dating and such, I'm basically a 12-year-old.  I'm starting to develop interest and have no idea how to act on it.  Well, I hadn't thought I'd ever be interested in a guy.  I (understandably) have major trust issues with everyone, but especially males.  But with this guy I felt a connection and I felt safe.  I was able to stop second guessing his motives.  I could actually picture a physical relationship somewhere down the road.  (Not thinking anywhere huge here, but I enjoyed holding hands with him which was huge in itself for me).

Then suddenly he stopped coming to the meeting.  Well first he just missed a week.  Then another week.  Then one night I saw him in the parking lot.  He was leaving as I was arriving.  He said he'd just met with his sponsor, as he usually did before the meeting, but he was worn out from school so not staying for the meeting.  I told him I missed him and he said he was going to get back to going to the meeting regularly.  I asked if he wanted to get together.  This was on a Friday.  We decided to meet up that Monday evening.  I was going to a meeting closer to his area (he lives waaaay out in the boonies).  We didn't make a definite plan which bothered me because he's not great about answering his phone...but he said for sure we'd meet up and we'd plan the details later.

Early on Monday I texted to confirm our plans.  No response.  Later, before my meeting I texted again. Still no response.  I'd hoped he would text during the meeting but no.  I called immediately after the meeting.  No answer.  I was supposed to go meet him right after the meeting.  I stayed an extra half hour hoping for a reply but nothing so I texted again telling him I was going home.  That night about midnight I got a reply.  But it wasn't an apology or anything, he just said that he was upset.  I asked what happened and he said he'd left his phone in his car.  He sort of said he was upset with himself for leaving the phone....more just upset in general though and not taking any responsibility or seeming to be at all aware of how I felt.  He offered to do something the following day instead.  Sort of.  The offer made it sound like it would be a huge burden to him but he would be willing to to make up for it.  I pretty much said f- that.  If I'm a burden I don't want to do it.  So I didn't reply.

That was essentially the last time we talked...a couple of months ago maybe.  I've mostly stopped going to that meeting, but my sponsor still goes and she says he hasn't been there.  About a month ago I was thinking of him and how much I miss the fun we had together.  I sent him a text telling him so and asking how he was doing.  He answered with something to the effect of "I'm great."  No "It's great to hear from you, how are you?" or anything of that nature.  Just "I'm great."  I waited a bit for more to be added and finally said "so staying busy with school then?" trying to make conversation.  He replied with "yep."  And that was it.  I came to 2 potential conclusions from this.  1.)  He's really not ok...either back to drinking/using or just not doing well in general so not wanting to talk.  2.) He's an ass.  So I guess in that sense I'm hoping he's an ass.  Because I'd rather him be a sober, healthy ass than be doing something that could kill him.

I'd pretty well let it go, but it's all coming back up tonight because it's birthday night.  At the club that held the meeting we used to go to together, they do a night once a month to celebrate everyone who has an AA birthday that month.  They have cake, and each person who has a birthday speaks about their experience and such.  His name is on the list, so in theory that means he's still sober.  That's good.  I called him but no big surprise, he didn't answer his phone.  My sponsor called his sponsor and I guess he didn't answer either.  (His sponsor has gotten involved with a girl with major drug issues who can't seem to string together any real sobriety and apparently has taken many men out with her...another big red flag).  Anyway, I sent him a text to congratulate him, ask him if he was going to birthday night, and threw in one of our old inside jokes.  Not surprisingly, he didn't respond.  What makes me so sad about it is that when we would have these jokes together we would always talk about him putting them in to his birthday night speech (since his would come up before mine).  We had nearly "written" an entire speech worth, and it was hilarious though no one else in the world would get it.  So now it's like sealing the deal on the fact that whatever we had, relationship, friendship, or whatever else, is done.  We're not getting sober together now.  I have lots of ppl in AA who support me...ppl who have been in the program a long time, but with him it was like we were growing up together.  We were discovering and learning things together....like the two kids around all the other grown-ups.  Unfortunately, most everyone I was "growing up" with have disappeared...likely back to drinking.  At least he's still apparently sober and in the program.  But now, instead of laughing with him and celebrating his birthday with him through a speech no one else would understand (I'd been wanting to see how many of our jokes I could actually get him to say...lol) I'm instead left to pray that he is just a sober ass.

JJ I miss you.  I wish I knew better what was going on.

He did finally reply to my text with another 2 word reply.  "U know."  Whatever that means.  I guess he's referring to the joke part but he didn't answer any of my questions.  I finally decided to say something about all this...rather than waiting for him to come to me as was the original plan.  I replied back with "Why do you never want to talk to me anymore?"  So far no answer, but at least I've put it out there now.  That's one thing I've been learning a lot lately....that I do have the ability to stand up for myself, even to men, and take my power back without completely losing it emotionally.  And I'm hurt by him but I know it won't get the best of me because I'm stronger than that.  But I do wish this night had gone a very, very different way.  I'd given up weeks ago that it would, but now that the actual night is here it hurts again.  This emotions/relationships/not numbing everything out stuff is hard!

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What I am grateful for is the amazing thing that AA does offer....that there is always someone I can talk to.  I have a whole list of friends I can call now.  Even if they're not friends like him that I would spend a ton of time with, I know I can still rely on them when I need them.  And then if they're not around I have lists of numbers of people I can call...even though some of them I barely know.  And if that fails I have a chat room of people in recovery I can go to.  I hadn't been there in a while but I went back today and some of them even remembered me.  I talked to them about some of the crap I have going on and even in the midst of that one of them commented that they remembered me from when I'd come in before and were amazed at how much I'd grown in my ability to talk things out and figure out rational ways to deal with stuff.  Pretty damn cool.  And on that note I'm also grateful for, as I mentioned above, this new-found ability to know what I believe in and how I feel and to stand up for it....to say what I think and really stand behind it without losing my cool and screaming at anyone or hurting myself or wanting to drink or any of the old ways i used to handle things.  (Ok I still want to drink over it sometimes, but it's a fleeting thought rather than an obsession).