Ok this is the part I really wanted to write about, but I had to get all the background stuff out there first. If you haven't already, please read the previous post so this can make sense.
So I was feeling really confident about talking w/my sponsor. I had what I wanted to say all figured out and really felt like once she heard what I was getting at she would realize the issue, we could both apologize, and move on. Yeah not so much.
Instead it's like she's not hearing at all that the stuff she said to me was so hurtful! She just kept saying how I screwed up and this is "not the first time." I honestly don't know the other time she's referring to me....but yeah, it's hard as shit for me to get myself there to meet with her. All of this stuff is fucking hard. Usually she compliments me that I keep going with working the steps even though I've had to face some really, really intense shit to do it. See I didn't just drink for the fun of it. Even at the beginning I don't think I really did. I drank to bury some really horrific, painful memories. I know recovery isn't easy for anyone, and I know it's one of those things that ya just have to suck it up and do, but still! It's asking a lot, but I'm doing everything I can.
I tried to explain how hurtful her comments were on the day that I was having all the panic attack craziness, but she just doesn't get it at all. She just kept sayin how the meds stuff could've been prevented, and i need to figure out a way to deal with the panic attacks. Yeah. No shit. I'm workin on it. If I could just snap my fingers and get rid of it I would!
Then she keeps saying i'm asking her to fix my PTSD issues. Yeah also not the case. I just want her to take the time to get it! To get that I'm not manipulating/whining/whatever. Some days flashbacks are debilitating. Sorry but they just are. I hadn't had a day like that friday in a long time but unfortunately I can't just get rid of them.
I'm just so fucking pissed about this right now. The more I think about it the more pissed I get. How is this person that's always supported me suddenly saying all this horrible stuff about me? She won't acknowledge at all that maybe something she said hurt me. And she just keeps saying well it's not the first time i've missed a meeting with her. Ok fine, whatever. She should know that I'm working my ass off. Oh and then she says that I'm continuously treating this shit like I don't care. Again...wtf?! She's the one that's seen me cry. She's the ONLY face to face person that I've given details of my past stuff to. That's not easy stuff to say. I've cried and poured my heart out to her. And now she's saying all this....about how she's apparently been thinking this for a long time. So wtf has all that other stuff meant? When she told me I was doing well....when she told me she was proud of me...when she said she cared....when she said she "loves" me. How is it loving to suddenly be pulling this stuff on me?
If I act emotionally i'm supposed to be learning to control my emotions....so I act calmly and she says i'm too matter of fact and clearly I don't care.
Then she asks what I want from her. But whatever answer I give she doesn't hear it. I don't know how to put it into words. I don't fucking know how to talk about this stuff. That's so much of the issues I have now. No one ever taught me how to talk about stuff. I'm trying but apparently it doesn't come out right. I just want her to have my back. I want her to get it. Or at least attempt to get it. Not just tell me i'm making excuses, manipulating, etc. I get the tough love thing...I want her to hold me accountable...but when I'm losin it and all she can focus on is what i screwed up on that's not helpful! I can't handle that! It just frustrates me and flips me out further. She says now that it would've been better for me to tell her flat out that I didn't want to meet with her because I was pissed....not because I had homework/laundry/interview prep to do. Well, i'm sorry I couldn't successfully talk about my feelings to someone who is continually rehashing everything i've screwed up on while I'm panicking so bad I can barely move. Sure it's something I need to work on, but she's acting like this is the unforgivable sin. I'm not going to grovel and beg....especially if she's not going to acknowledge any wrong-doing. I already apologized for her feeling hurt, but frankly I did everything I could and I did the best I could. Maybe that's what I want. Maybe I want her to trust me...even just a little bit. Fuck.
Oh, and to make things worse I went to a recovery based chat room that I visit now and then. When I was there the other day people were so supportive....and one person especially was telling me they were impressed by all the progress i've made and all this shit. Same person was there today and goin off on me over stupid shit. I guess I sort of brought it on myself, but still, suddenly I had a whole chat room full of people talking to me like i'm an idiot. (If you're wondering, I mentioned I'd been sober for 9 months so really dealing with this stuff was all new to me. Some idiot said well i have 9 months and I'm already half way through the steps with a sponsee. I said seriously? I would want someone with a lot more than 9 months to rely on to guide me through the steps. Suddenly everyone was jumping all over me no matter what I said about how sobriety time doesn't make someone more together or a better person. Yeah. No shit. But i'd still rather someone with 10 years of quality sobriety experience vs. 10 months. There's only so much you can experience and learn in 10 months. Of course everyone is still learning, but with all the work I've put in, the tons of meetings I've been to, I sure don't know shit! I wouldn't trust just anyone just because they have a lot of sobriety time, but come on now. Grrrrrrrr.).
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Ok struggling to find something I'm grateful for right now. I'm sure there's something but shit just keeps building up tonight. I guess I'm grateful for my 9 months....and my progress....no matter what anyone else thinks of it. There was a girl at the meeting tonight who was there for her very first meeting. I was really impressed with her because she looked to be fairly young (about my age...serious baby age for AA...lol), had researched AA online totally on her own, come to a meeting and introduced herself. That takes a lot....I went to multiple meetings early on where I would show up late after the introductions and what not were over, and leave early before anyone could try to talk to me or touch me or whatever. Anyway, seeing her reminded me how absolutely bizarre AA feels when you first come in. I was lucky, I had IOP to rely on in early sobriety while I tried to get comfortable transitioning to AA. So I'm grateful for IOP, and I'm grateful that I have 9 months of experience to face these issues with without freaking out.
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