Not going to write anything long now because I'm tired and should be sleeping. The shit with the sponsor is still going on and I don't know what to do about it. Tomorrow is 9 months sober for me and I think i'm grieving because I want to be celebrating with her. I wrote her a letter to give my side to everything. I thought it was a good idea, but then I asked another friend and she basically shot it down entirely. That left me really confused. She said that I need to be looking towards love and forgiveness, not blame. I said I already apologized but she won't budge, so I want her to see my side. (Essentially, there was more to it than that). She said if I've decided to move on (which I haven't really decided, but have resigned myself to that) then all I should write in the letter, if I even write anything, is just thanks for your help I appreciate it.
I don't get this stuff at all. Aren't I supposed to be standing up for myself? I'm realizing that I was asking her what I thought she should do assuming that she would agree with me. I didn't expect that she'd go 100% the other way. I'm so confused because one of the lessons I've been learning is that I need to be direct and not just harbor resentments about stuff. (I'm supposed to be looking at my part in resentments, which i'm struggling on because I really don't feel like I did much wrong here, but I'm trying to see it. Also I was the one that apologized. :-P )
I don't mean to be passive aggressive or anything, but she's blown off meeting with me the last 2 weeks. We usually meet every sunday but these last 2 weeks she just totally blew me off. 2 weeks ago it was cus she was going to the mountains...makes sense I just was a little bothered by how she told me. It wasn't "I'm going to have to cancel," but just "I'm going to the mountains." Then this week it's "well I didn't think we were meeting so my friend is coming over." She did eventually offer Saturday night but i was working. I tried to say what I wanted over the phone, but that didn't go well which is why i want to meet.
As I write this, something about PTSD came on the news on TV. A big part of this is her not understanding PTSD and saying i'm using flashbacks as an excuse to not do what I need to do. I feel like I need to stand up for myself and the progress I have made. Not an excuse, but just to say that I have made progress, and I'm damn proud of it. That's most of what the letter says. I managed to do it I think w/out any swearing, but ya know what? I'm fucking proud of myself! There, I said it. I'm fucking proud of myself and she can't tell me otherwise.
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Still grateful for others that have been willing to be my sounding board in this, though I think everyone is getting sick of hearing it. :(
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