Sorry I haven't been in touch much lately. I just moved to my new apartment and I don't have internet set up yet. Not to mention moving is just so freaking exhausting. You'd think I'd be good at it by this point in my life, having done it so much, but it still seems to throw me for a loop every time. I just need my structure and routine. It's starting to get better but things still feel a bit off. I'm just tired from having my stuff everywhere, not knowing where anything is, etc. Plus my sleeping is just crazy. I'm actually sleeping decently well, but strange noises and things keep waking me up. This morning I actually got up, took my morning meds, and started getting ready, only to realize that it was just after 3am. I have to get up early now, but not THAT early! The street light had caught my eye and my body had decided it was light out and therefore time to get up. I fell back to sleep and had a pretty awful dream/nightmare. Maybe I should've stayed awake.
Anyway, the move has only been one part of my life that feels chaotic right now. I'm dealing with the backlash of having told my sponsor way more than I've ever told anyone else (well except one very special online friend) about what really happened in my past. She's handled the info really well, but all the what if's are in my head. I just don't like having it out there. It flipped me out so bad that the other day I told her I didn't want to do the steps anymore and I didn't want to work w/her. It was really scary because I could see myself doing all the wrong things but couldn't seem to stop it. I know myself well enough to know that as soon as I get back into those dark behaviors it goes downhill really, really fast. So I knew that I was putting myself at huge risk, and yet I kept doing those things (isolating, avoiding ppl, not going to meetings, refusing to talk to my sponsor, etc.). I actually ended up cutting a bit, and that was the sign that I really had to make a change. The good news is that it wasn't really cutting. I meann it was but it was more just playing around with a knife. No blood or anything. Enough to leave marks though. Not a huge issue in my eyes but obviously healthy ppl don't "play around with knives" so it was a sign. The funny part is that even while I was isolating I was still talking to ppl...i was just freaking out and crying and getting mad at them. But thankfully one of my good AA/IOP friends told me yeah it's hard, it sucks and it's horrible and recovery is not for wussies, but you have two choices: go back to the old darkness which leads to nothing good and eventually pain and death, or suck it up and get back on track. So i'm currently in the sucking it up process. Some things are definitely different for now. Where I'd gotten to the point that I really liked hugs, now I'm back to where I hate being touched. I dread the end of meetings where ppl hold hands. Last night I ran out of one of my favorite meetings early, even though there were ppl I would've liked to talk to here, because I was so afraid of hugging them. I know my peace with that will come back, but I'm not going to push it for now.
My sponsor said if for now I need to leave meetings early or rush out right at the end then just to do that. She also said not to go to any more of the hospital meetings for a while because the really bad downward spiral stuff seemed to start then. I guess she's right, but it's hard to accept. It's not that I loved being there or anything (it was pretty awful really), but I want to be strong enough to go there without issue. I want to be able to put all that behind me but I guess I'm not ready yet.
I saw my dr (psychiatrist) yesterday and ended up talking with him for a long time. I told him about all this stuff and he said he thought i'd handled it well. Kinda cool to be complimented even after a breakdown. He said he thought my reaction to finally telling is pretty typical, and the fact that I didn't drink or anything is a really good sign that I have the tools to actually deal with stuff now. He said we can start weening off of some of the meds...starting with one of the night ones. Of course I took the lower dose of the nightmare one and then had a nightmare last night so maybe i'm not ready after all. Then again that might've been due to weird sleep, weird noises, taking morning meds in the middle of the night, etc. That's another story for another time though. The point is just that my dr. still has a lot of confidence in me despite the recent craziness.
I also talked to him about a side effect I'm having from the meds. (Well not sure if it's a side effect but it could be). He said the only way to know for sure would be an ultrasound of my ovaries. I told him unless I'm dying (which I'm not) I'd much much rather just have the side effects. Even if I was dying it'd be a tough debate. That's a fear i'm NOT ready to deal with yet! He started dealing with that kind of dr. and I was ready to run out of the room!
Anyway, things are slowly getting better again. A friend of mine is getting married this weekend, which is really exciting but sad too. She's one of my last few hold out single friends. I'm reaching the age where it's kind of weird to still be single. Also next month she and her husband are moving out of state which is just crushing to me. She's the friend I stayed with after I got out of the hospital. I've known her for 10 years now (we met in college) and she's stuck with me through multiple hospitalizations and other such craziness without judgment or anything. When I called her from the hospital this last time she immediately invited me to stay with her as long as I needed no questions asked, helped me find an apartment and feel safe in it, etc. etc. I know we'll still be able to stay in touch, and most of the time she's lived here I've lived out of state so it's not a huge different, but it's still so sad because I've loved being back so close to her.
That's all for now. Running out of time on the apartment office computer internet. Can't wait 'til I can get my own set up!
I just wanted to chime in. A lot of the stuff you are going through I cannot relate but some of it I can.
ReplyDelete-It seems that a lot of times people draw the line between their experience and what other's past might be. Statistics from anonymous surveys as well as "group" therapy sessions show that even the most stable of people have been through some "shit" in their lives and have issues because of it. You seem consumed at times about what others might think. In most cases while someone may not be able to relate to your experience, they can absolutely relate to the feelings of isolation and the whole "I'm different and you probably think I am a freak" sort of feeling.
The biggest thing driving the revolution in the gay community is that so many gays are no longer feeling isolated as so many people are actually gay. In your case, a recent survey showed that 1 out of 5 women 20 years old or older admitted to being sexually abused at one time in their life. River, that's 20%. Now of course, not everyone was exploited to your level, but honestly, is there really such a thing as a "small" rape?
As people get older, like in their 30's and 40's they get tired of putting up a front and end up being more forthcoming with their past. You aren't that age right now so you are surrounded by folks that have their wall and appear to be completely sane. Ok, so you have dropped your "wall" and let people in. That's a sign of strength.
As far as what others think about you, to be honest, most people can't be too consumed with it either way. Really, they can't be bothered with what most others are going through. I don't mean that as a reflection on you as they really, in most ways, can't be bothered by stuff outside of their own issues and challenges. What I mean is they have their past, their current demons, their daily requirements and such, deaths, family members, and all other sorts of stress. Really, if I went on about my past to you, you would read it, think "oh, that's terrible..I wish you the best" and a half hour later, you would be facing YOUR life, not mine. Make sense?
Take care. You rock!