Birds

I've had people ask me how I came up with the name Riverbird.  It's a bit of a story that I don't want to go in to right now, but part of it is that I love birds.

I love watching birds soaring high up in the sky.  Ever since I was a kid, when things have been bad I've imagined my soul/spirit flying away on the wings of an eagle.  I've imagined amazing flights, over mountains, rivers, waterfalls, etc.  It's always a peaceful experience for me, and a good way to escape when there's a lot of pain.  

I also love birds for the symbolism I see in them.  Have you ever watched a bird walk?  They are unbelievably awkward!  I mean look at this thing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mLV-O2Rtcyk  They look totally off balance, their bodies look super awkward, their legs are just odd, etc. etc.  If birds only walked we'd consider them very strange animals.  But then a bird stretches it's wings out and takes flight.  Suddenly the awkward little critter is this amazing, majestic, soaring thing of beauty.

To me that defines life.  Some of you that know me from a certain message board know that my favorite quote is, "We all have wings, some of us just don't know how to fly."  Apparently I invented it.  I thought it was a song lyric but it's not actually in the song I thought it was.  Anyway, we're all funky little birds walking around looking and feeling off balance, not feeling like we fit in or we're in the right spot/doing the right thing.  But eventually we find our wings and we learn to fly.  Shaky at first but eventually, with lots of work, we can find ourselves soaring over the mountain tops...living a happy, healthy life, finding what we were meant to do, and having it feel right and beautiful.

I really needed all of this today as the flashbacks suddenly came back with a vengeance today.  It was like one second I was fine, the next I was fully in the moment.  I was fully back in the past in the midst of the horrors.  I could see it, hear it, and feel it, and my body hurt from it.  I really, really thought I was past flashbacks like that, but apparently not.  Most of the flashbacks i've had lately have just been moderate little intrusions that I can think my way through and shift my focus.  Apparently I needed the lesson that healing never stops, and there's always work to be done.  I'm also learning that even when things are good, i can still slip back into that old mode.  I have to admit it scared me.  I really didn't expect to go there...and it felt like there were no warning signs or anything it just happened.

The good news is, I'm ok.  I'm calm and collected.  It was awful, yes.  I've cried many tears over it.  But I'm not freaking out.  I'm not running out to get a drink.  I'm not overwhelmed and feeling like the world is going to end.  Mostly I'm pissed off that i'm having to deal with this, plus a little bit scared and a little bit sad.  But I'm calm too.  I know it will get better so I'm not afraid of it.  I'm just trying my best to be patient.  That's my gratitude for tonight.  I'm grateful for my coping skills that help me get through this, and i'm grateful for the ppl at the meeting i went to last night.  I hadn't planned on it but it's my tuesday group that i love and I decided I want to be around people who can relate at least somewhat and care about me.  I told ppl I was struggling and saying out loud in the meeting that they care about me was weird.  I'm starting to believe they really do but that's something I always struggle with believing.

Anyway that's all for now.  I've fallen asleep at least a few times while writing this, so sorry if it doesn't make sense.  Last time I wrote when I was this tired I ended up writing about how I was visting the Eiffel Tower, even though that definitely wasn't happening! lol  At least it looks like maybe I'll get some real sleep tonight.  Yay!  Off to bed.  Wish me luck!