Shame

This is something I posted on a certain message board, so if you know me from there this might be a repeat...but I figured i'd put it here too...cus it's the emotional shit I referred to in the post below.
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I told someone about everything that happened to me. I told my AA sponsor. I didn't really mean to, it kinda just got blurted out when we were talking about other stuff. She knew i'd been SA'ed as a kid, but she hadn't known the extent...very regular...multiple men...intense torture type stuff. At the time I just really really needed to get it out to someone. I felt like I was going to explode having it all in. It just felt like not enough for her to just know that it was SA...I needed her to know at least somewhat what it was like. 

She did what I think is an awesome job replying. She listened...she didn't freak out or run away...talked about how sick my parents and the others are...told me she cared about me...etc. That night I started freaking out again and couldn't settle down. I called her and she reassured me that nothing had changed between us, she didn't see me as bad or gross or anything because of what I told her, that she thought it made me stronger and more amazing, not less. The following morning she texted me to say she loves me (which is kind of a big deal cus it may have been the first text she's ever sent. She's older and not really the texting type). She tells me she loves me a lot, which is hard for me cus I really can't handle the word love, but it's ok. It was weird that she'd still love me after knowing everything.

That was all about 3 weeks ago. In the few days after I struggled a bit, but I moved through it and started feeling really good again. It felt so good to get it off my chest to someone and not have to have it be my constant secret. I felt like I finally had someone in my corner, and I was just so so wowed that a person could actually hear my story and still stick by me. 

But for some reason today the shame is coming back up bad. I am absolutely hating that she knows. And because of that, I don't want to see her, talk to her, think about her, anything. I'm so so mad at her, which is stupid because she really didn't do anything. I guess not really mad, I just feel disgusted thinking she must be disgusted just looking at me. (and listen to how stupid THAT is!). She asks me why I feel ashamed about it since it was something I have no control over. I hate that question because I have no answer. One thing that just came to mind as I write this is that a part of a lot of what happened to me was humiliation. Many times I was tied or held down naked and they toyed with me, laughed at me, etc. Even though logically I know my sponsor is not one of them part of me feels like she's going to be laughing and mocking too. Then I just feel so disgusting and I don't know how to explain that either. I know what happened wasn't my fault, but still my body has been a part of some very, very horrible things. I've experienced things that most of the world wouldn't even believe could really happen. Horrible, disgusting things. Sometimes I feel so gross I can't stand to be near anyone or let anyone touch me. 

That's how I feel today. Normally I talk to my sponsor every day but today I don't want to talk to her or even think about her. I just want to hide. I just want it all to be gone.