Last night's meeting (my most favoritest women's meeting) was on the topic of letting go of anger and forgiving those who have hurt you, especially those who hurt you as a child. Needless to say it was a rough one for me. Good, but rough.
I felt ok after it, but there's been a lot of emotional fallout today. The cool thing is though, I've been upset, pissed off, and generally wanting to break things, but I haven't had a single desire to drink or to cut. I recognized the feelings, knew where they were coming from, and didn't feel the need to run from them or push them away. I went to a meeting today but that didn't really help. I couldn't focus because I was antsy and annoyed with everything to the point of feeling kind of sick. My softball game helped a little but I knew I still needed to get some energy out. So when I got home from my game, before even going in the house, I went to my friend/neighbor/IOP/AA buddy's house and asked if she'd go for a walk with me. We'd planned on going but she'd been saying she didn't want to. Thankfully she was easy to convince. I cried a bit when I started explaining to her what was up, but not for long. She has some of the same past issues as me (we don't know details of each other's pasts but we know enough...) and it was like she was finishing my sentences. It felt so good to be with someone who got it, and to be moving and getting that adrenaline out, that after just a few blocks we were talking and laughing about fun stuff. There was more serious talk too, but it had a positive spin on it and I didn't feel so lost in the emotion.
I remember in a meeting a while back a woman said that she felt she was really struggling because she "still gets angry sometimes." I said I thought it should never be the goal to not get angry. I tried stuffing away my feelings or denying them for a long long time and it only got me in trouble. The trick is figuring out how to deal with them. I have legitimate stuff to be angry about. What happened to me should not have happened. The trick is not letting that anger destroy me. A lot of times I don't know what to do with the anger, especially when it's really intense. But today I thought through it and I chose to take a walk with an understanding friend. I didn't go inside and stew, and I didn't freak out. And for that I am proud, and very excited. Progress.
As for gratitude...I think most of this post has been gratitude...I'm grateful for being able to work through stuff like this. But to add a "formal" gratitude, I'm grateful for my awesome neighbor. She keeps me honest in going to meetings (she was struggling to go so I told her I'd go with her anytime she wants...it's been very good for me!). We also go for walks almost every night which has been a great way to relax and process things. Plus when we go together it's less scary so we can go for longer walks even if it's starting to get a bit dark. We met by chance in IOP...probably never would've known our similarities otherwise even though we live just a few houses down. We were also in IOP together for weeks before we ever learned how close to each other we live! lol
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