Cycles

Well, it's been over a month again so I guess it's time for me to write! lol  Life has been crazy for me.  I'm getting ready to graduate from college.  I'm done with all my classes this semester, then I just need my internship this summer and I'll be done.  Finding the internship has been rough.  At first I didn't think anyone was going to hire me and then suddenly I had different places fighting over me!  That's a nice place to be but it made it very complicated because it was a hard decision to make.  I was going to go to another state for my internship but now it looks like I'm staying local.  That's huge for me because I've never really been one to stay in the same place long.  Usually I go somewhere and hang out until I get bored and move on.  I just don't get attached to places.  But I've now been in my current apartment for almost 2 years!  The last time I was in the same place for that long I was 13!  Granted I did go out of state for a job last summer, but I actually stayed in touch with my friends here and felt homesick.  I don't remember if I posted about it here or not but I was so excited to be homesick.  People thought I was crazy for that but it showed me that I'd actually found a place that makes me happy and people I care about.  (Don't get me wrong, lots of other places I've lived have made me happy too...I haven't moved out of misery or anything.  Actually I've really liked pretty much every place I've lived.  But the way my mind usually works, after a day or two it would be "Ok, moving on...what's next?").  So here I am staying for a full year and not even going away for the summer.  Craziness!  I gotta admit it's a little scary for me too.  Even though getting away from people/places/things hasn't been the reason for my many moves, frankly it's been a nice bonus.  I don't have to stress about relationships if I know there's an end date and I'm leaving.  Now I'm having to grow up and stick it out even when my instincts/defense mechanisms tell me to run.  (The fact that I'm done with classes is messing with all of this too.  I really really really don't do well with big changes, so the sabotaging is definitely happening! I missed almost all my classes last week, even the ones I really like, because I just couldn't get it together to go).

But enough about me.  I've been thinking about something that I wanted to share.  People talk about the cycle of abuse.  I get that idea.  I've forgiven my parents, and a big part of that is because I realize how much pain they had in their lives, and how much they'd had to endure.  I don't know a whole lot about my family history, but I get the impression that there's a long history of children being badly hurt.  I don't know how I was fortunate enough to escape that fate of following in their footsteps.  I have some ideas but honestly the concept terrifies me.  I had good people in my life who kept me sane as a kid and showed me that people do care, and I had people in my adult life who helped me find my way....incredible friends who were there for me even when I really didn't deserve it.  I also worked my ass off.  I believe it was my higher power helping things to align so I could change.  But I have to believe that my parents were also offered that opportunity, because a higher power wouldn't pick favorites.  So I don't know why I was able to change and they were not.

But anyway.  Tangent. lol  I've been thinking lately that it goes way beyond a cycle of abuse and into a cycle of negativity in general.  People who put negativity out into the world, have generally been hurt by some sort of negativity themselves.  I didn't have kids so I never became an abuser, but I sure put A LOT of negativity out into the world for a lot of years.  (Side note: Not having kids wasn't the only reason I didn't become an abuser...considering I ended up choosing to work with kids....but working with kids is easier and less stressful because they go home at the end of the day.  I have no idea what kind of parent I would've been in the midst of my negativity.  I'm lucky I can't have kids).  I unfortunately made a lot of people's lives very difficult when I was younger.  I was mean, I picked fights, I was a bully.  I blamed others for my mistakes and I manipulated and used everyone I could.  It wasn't intentional, it's just the way I was.  I don't say that to try to avoid blame now.  I understand that I messed up badly and am doing everything I can to take responsibility for what I did and make things right.  I'm just saying that I was acting out of the negativity that I had experienced.  The more I look at it, it seems like negativity spreads like a very potent virus.  It can even be something small that starts it.  One person wakes up on the wrong side of the bed and says something mean, if the other person is hurt they may go intentionally or unintentionally hurt others out of their own hurt and frustration.

So with all that said, has anyone else noticed that there seems to be a distinct lack of happiness out there these days?  It seems like everywhere I look people are hurting, struggling, and just generally unhappy with their situation.  I have an amazing group of friends that tends to be very happy, but I feel like we are the oddities.  It feels like everywhere I go people are miserable or trying to hide or push away their pain in one way or another.  It's not that I have some amazing and wonderful situation/circumstances.  I still have a lot of trauma to wade through, and I still struggle with some of the basics of life that I didn't learn growing up.  Not a whole lot has changed externally to be honest, but today I am loving the journey, even when it's hard.  I wouldn't trade my crazy, trauma-filled, messed up life for anything.  It is funny to me how many people I've had in the last year or so tell me they're jealous of my life.  I mean, I think it's worthy of jealousy because it makes me happy, but people approach it like I have this wonderful easy life and that's why I'm happy.  A little part of me wants to tell them the story of my childhood....ya know just for perspective...but I'm really trying not to break in to the victimhood which includes not defining myself by my past.  But people are shocked when I mention time spent in the psych hospital! lol  A part of me does want to attach my story to my present self a little more, just because I see so many people using past abuse not to succeed in the present.  But I can match many an abuse story so I know it can be done.  But again I need to be really careful about comparing my past story to others or putting too much emphasis on it because I really want to be defined by the happy, successful adult that I'm becoming today.  Yeah it only took me an extra decade or so but I feel like I'm finally becoming a grown-up! lol

Ok I keep getting carried away on tangents so I don't know if I've actually made a point here.  I guess my overall thought is just how do we stop these negative cycles from going further?  Whether it's something little like a rough day or something big like generations of abuse.  I work with kids who I know have been hurt already...whether it's by their parents or their environment (poverty, struggling schools, etc.).  Some of them seem like they're right on the edge and could go either way...towards embracing that negativity or going a different direction.  I know it's not as black and white as I'm making it sound right now, but using the virus idea it seems like people can eventually be "cured", or at least made a lot better, but not before they've done a whole lot of infecting of others.  I wonder if true, major change can ever really happen, or if there's just too much pain and negativity already out there.  I have some ideas of what could be done...things like focusing on the good news happening all around us, rather than just the violence and the yucky stuff, because the good really does outweigh the bad by a lot....or taking further steps to bring neighborhoods out of poverty, because it's so hard to stay positive and on the right path when everything around you seems to be falling apart and you feel like no one is paying attention.  And then there's things like what I'm doing, where I'm hoping to have enough of a positive impact on the kids I work with to help counteract the negativity.  I'm not delusional enough to think that my presence in their lives after school is enough to do that, but it's a start.  It gives them something to count on that will consistently be there, and an adult that they know is in their corner.  I know for me even though I was never able to express it as a kid, those teachers that showed me they cared were a huge part of what kept me going!


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I say it a lot but I'll say it again.  I'm grateful for my life and this journey I'm on.  I can't believe I nearly threw it all away.  I'm also so grateful that I've reached a point where I can use my experience to help others rather than as the reason I need help.  And I've actually had multiple people coming to me for help so apparently I really do have my shit together, at least on some level!