Justice

So I know I "owe" you all lots of posts and info and all that. I really do plan to update on all the happenings in my life. There's been a lot. But right now there's stuff in my head that just needs to come out. Not sure where this will end up going. It could get ugly.

I've been thinking about the idea of justice a lot lately. I've been starting to move out of the fear/flashbacks/panic attacks about my past and i'm starting to see it more as an adult looking in rather than what I saw as a kid. Looking as an adult I'm disgusted, and angry. No, not angry. I'm fucking pissed off. They took my childhood. They took my innocence. They hurt me so bad. They took away my dignity and they used me. For years. Without ever even showing the slightest sign of remorse. They are sick, dirty bastards. They are evil. People have tried to tell me that no one is really evil but I say bullshit. You rape a child. Repeatedly. You and many others together. That's evil. There aren't words out there strong enough for these so called "men." They are hateful, disgusting, vile creatures. And I hate them.

So where the fuck is the justice? They caused so much pain, and I can't do anything back. They walk away free. It's not right. A good friend told me she believes justice will come someday. I'm trying to believe that too. Maybe in this life. Maybe in some sort of afterlife. All I know is they've left me trapped in this shit for years. Shit that doesn't go away. It wasn't just the initial hurt. It's the aftermath that doesn't go away.

They deserve to die. But not just any death. They deserve to be tied up and beaten the way I was. I want to see them cry and scream and beg for mercy. I want them to feel what I felt. Then they can die a slow, painful death. That still wouldn't make up for what they did, but it'd be a start. I want to torture them. I want them to feel everything I felt. I think that might make me evil too, but I'm ok with that right now.

Honestly up until the last couple of hours this anger has been scaring the hell out of me. I'm not a violent person. I'm not the type that wishes to hurt people. But wow this shit is intense. I've been trying to downplay it a bit I guess. I haven't been able to say out loud what I'm really thinking. But tonight I allowed myself to play out the whole scene I've been wishing for in my head, and wow did it feel good! So fucking empowering. I've spent years reliving the trauma that I went through in my mind. Over and over and over again. I've had years of flashbacks so intense my body hurts like it's happening again. But tonight it was different. Tonight the roles reversed. I watched them be tortured. I watched them in fear and in pain. Every time I started to get scared or worried because I was seeing the place where everything happened, I turned it on them and caused more pain to them. It was the best I've felt about things in a long, long time.

I got a burger for dinner tonight. My ultimate comfort food. No matter what else is happening, a burger from this particular place makes me feel a bit better.

I also went to an AA meeting tonight. It's one of my favorites. I've been going there for a while and there's some really great, supportive people there. I told them honestly that I was overwhelmed with really really strong emotion, including rage. I didn't tell details, except that it was related to stuff that had happened in the past that I'd always tried to push away or pretend didn't exist. And now I can't push them away anymore. I cried a bit while I was talking. Both of the ppl sitting next to me put their arms around me when I was done. Another friend came up and hugged me afterwards, and another stayed and talked to me for a bit.

So I was thinking of something as I drove home from the meeting with my burger. I was thinking about how cool it is that I have this place where I can be honest and cry and have people support me. I was also thinking about how nice it is to have these times where I can smile and be happy, even if it is about something silly like a burger. I thought about how I'm getting a chance at a new life. With the friend I talked to after the meeting...she's been sober for a long time...we talked about how if I stick with it and really work through this w/out drinking that it will get better....and I'll be looking back on this struggle as just a memory...and i'll be the one telling someone else who is struggling that it does get better. As hard as it is, deep down I believe her. Because i'm not "cheating" this time. I'm not drinking or drugging to dull the pain. I'm not cutting myself to avoid feeling. I'm feeling it, and it sucks worse than anything has ever sucked (ok exaggeration but you get the point), but I'm doing it. And eventually I'll feel it until there's nothing left to feel. And I'll become a whole person. I'm really starting to believe in the process of working the steps in AA. I didn't really believe it but I think I'm seeing it now. If I can get through this and stick with it, I can truly leave the past behind. Not push it away but really be done with it.

So as I finished my "fantasy" of my power over the evil ones, I smiled. They haven't taken everything.

But here's what I really learned. I have the chance at a new life. They don't. They're sick. The kind of sick that doesn't heal. How awful must your life be to rape a child? What kind of hell must you be living in to hold down a screaming child and laugh while others brutally hurt her? And what kind of misery must it take to cause that pain to your own daughter, who so badly wants no more than your love?

I'm not excusing what they did. Far from it. But now I'm adding a bit of an evil cackle to the fantasy. See, I've always thought that they gave me a lifetime of pain and then they get to go on living free. It's something that has left me so bitter. But now I understand a different truth. They will never, ever have freedom. They will forever be bound to their misery because of what they did. They will stay in their brutal, torturous hell forever. But I have the gift of innocence, and I will one day fly free.

So maybe that's justice. It doesn't make up for what they did, and what happened will never be right. But realizing the hell they live in helps me to see that they are paying a price. I am fairly certain that there is no happiness in their lives. No calm. No peace. I lived like that for a long time, but my life is changing now.

Now the fantasy ends with me standing above them, pushing them down deeper into the pits of hell with my foot as they scream and shrink into nothingness. I am triumphant.

Sorry if this is really twisted and fucked up. It felt good to write.