I didn't deserve what happened to me. It's as simple as that. They were the psychotic evil monsters. It wasn't about me.
I remember one night when I was 9. I was crawling/dragging myself up to my room after a particularly bad night with them. I had so little left in me, I could barely lift an arm or a leg. I surely couldn't stand. I could barely see straight. Everything hurt so bad I was sure I was dying. I made it into my room and fell fully on to the floor. I'd used every last ounce of my strength to get there. I lay on the floor in a heap and I begged god to take me. I begged and pleaded for death.
No child should know pain like that. No one should really, but especially a child. At 9 most kids are only beginning to understand death. I'm not sure how much I understood it, but it was the only possible good I could picture.
That's not how any child should live.
I didn't deserve that.
you are right - you didnt deserve any bit of it!
ReplyDeletealso - congrats - you are at 120 days sober today!
No, you didn't deserve that at all! Keep it up, one day at a time. Every time you let it out that is one less thing you have to hold inside. So proud of you!
ReplyDeleteAnd, another congrats on your 120 days sober!!!