30

30 days has September...April, June, and November...and ME!

As of today I officially have 30 days sober. And 30 days since I last cut. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay me! :)

Ever since the relapse on Halloween weekend I've been actively avoiding thinking about the day count. Thinking about multiple days, weeks, months, whatever is just too overwhelming and stressful for me. Staying sober from the time I wake up until the time I go to bed is so much more manageable. It also helps me focus on what I need to do in the moment, rather than the extra fear of throwin' away however many sober days....or thinking about how minuscule my sober time is compared to others and to where I eventually want to get.

But recently it hit me that I was nearly at 30. (Having my last drink be at the end of a month has the nice perk that it's easy to count! lol). Now that I'm here it's just unbelievable to me. 30 days...a whole month where I didn't use anything to numb my brain. I actually used the resources I have inside to deal with the crap that came my way. And it wasn't an easy month either. I'm still dealing with school, as well as the Thanksgiving holiday. There were definite hard times but I found my way through them, and I proved to myself that it is possible to do so.

It's so surreal to be here now, at this mark, that I keep checking the calendar to make sure it's really true. I keep wondering if maybe I drank or cut and forgot about it, or got the dates confused. Ever since the new memories and all that came back, as well as just dealing with the overwhelming amount of shit in my life, I remember wondering if living without alcohol was possible for me. Hell I was wondering if living at all was possible!

I know that this is just the tip of the ice berg. I know I have a long ways to go and it's going to take a lot of time, effort, and patience. But for right now it's nothing short of miraculous and it feels amazing. I feel like I'm on the right path and really going somewhere. Now I just need to learn how normal people celebrate...besides going out for a drink! lol

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I'm grateful for everyone who has helped me along in this process thus far...my amazing friends, the people at the clinic, my fellow iop'ers who have been willing to share themselves with me, ppl from other groups, AA ppl, anyone who has left me a nice message, email, or phone call of support, and even the ppl who have taken the time to smile at me when I'm having a bad day. I couldn't have done any of this alone. We saw last August what happens when I try to make it through alone. It's taken, and will continue to take, a whole sea of people to get me through, and I'm so so grateful for those out there who keep reaching out to help me along.