Wow it's been a long time since I've been here! Work has been keeping me busy. There's soooo much I've been wanting to write but haven't had the time or energy. For those that don't know, my new job is at a residential treatment facility for kids with emotional and behavioral issues, most due to trauma. As you may imagine, it's an intense place for me to be!
One of the biggest things I've been noticing is the tendency of everyone to find another group to blame. I'm in a weird spot. Because of my life experiences, I relate to a lot of different groups...probably all of them in one way or another. On one of my first days of work, I was surprised to hear my supervisor make a comment about how many foster parents do it for the money. Some of my best friends are foster parents, so I know this isn't true. I see the effort, compassion, and funds they put towards their foster and adopted children every day. I see that same effort at work, so I would've expected them to have a better attitude towards and relationship with foster parents. But I get it. A lot of the kids are there because they had crappy foster parents. One boy was adopted by a pedophile who wanted a little boy to live with him. One girl had a placement all set up and then last minute the foster parents decided nevermind, they weren't interested. Many of the kids have had failed adoptions. Many were abused or neglected in their foster homes. A lot of the issues the kids have come from being in many different foster placements over a short period of time. So yeah, I get where they might have a warped view of foster parents. I don't agree with it, but I get it. Nevermind the fact that I'm sure none of them would want to take one of the kids home 24/7 and deal with them without all the extra support, structure, and and safety measures. Nor the fact that most of the foster parents are either uninformed or unsupported, or both. But I've spent a lot of my time around foster parents, and lived with incredible foster parents who probably saved my life, so I can't look negatively towards foster parents as a whole. (Of course the abusive ones deserve all the negativity they get, but they're a rarity).
Also because of my experiences, I understand a lot of stuff the kids do that my co-workers don't get. It's funny, because in my world it's common sense so it catches me by surprise that others would be confused by it. For example, I was planning an outing with a co-worker and she was talking about how strange it was that the kids get so obsessed with food when we go places. Makes perfect sense to me...the one who feels like everything is off if I don't have at least one snack in my backpack! If I'm going somewhere unfamiliar I pack a ton of food because who knows what the food situation there will be and I hate the feeling of being hungry. Just recently during a training we were doing these activities that were supposed to give us a better sense of how the kids feel and react to situations. I sorta messed it up because I unintentionally kept skipping over the adult part and going straight to kid. One of the big ones was about how hard it is for the kids to make eye contact and feel on the spot to answer a question...so a lot of times they listen better if they're fidgeting or doing something else at the same time. Well that is 100% me, and I started wondering if I'd been offending the ppl doing the training by my constant fidgeting and lack of eye contact! lol But during the ones where we were supposed to be making good eye contact I was so worried about whether or not I was doing it right that I missed everything that was said...putting me squarely in with the kids. I joked about it during the training, but it got a little awkward since no one there knows my history. The point is, I could probably do without a lot of the training since it's what I live every day!
Of course everyone wants to blame the bio parents. That's the easy target, right? Wellll....not for me. I relate to them too. For one thing, a lot of their issues come from poverty, which I've lived. The other issues come from addiction, which I've also lived. I understand how a parent can neglect their child while focusing on their drug. I don't condone it, but I get it. I'm lucky I was never able to have kids. It really just comes down to luck for me...it wasn't from good quality planning ahead. I've seen first hand how hard it is to get sober...I can't imagine doing it along with the responsibilities of taking care of a child...often a very difficult child with minimal support around you. I don't understand the sexual abuse stuff, except that often those parents were themselves abused as children. I can tell you that sexual abuse when you're a kid fucks with your mind more than just about anything out there. It leaves you with no idea how to relate to people, and no real concept of what love is. I have no doubt that the parents who have hurt these kids love their children. They just have no idea how to parent. I also have no doubt the kids love their parents...even the ones with no desire to be with them.
I guess it goes back to what I said before...I'm grateful for my life experiences because they've given me the perspective to see where so many different people are coming from. I can't, nor do I want to, hold a whole group of people hostage to a single idea. Yes, there's bad ones in every bunch...but generally there's a reason why. There's some kind of pain that's brought a person to where they are. Judging and blaming isn't going to help them. I just hope we can find the right path to healing so we can change the course of things rather than continue with the same cycles.
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I'm so so grateful for my job, because I love it and I love getting to be a part of truly making a difference for kids who experienced what I did. I love being a part of (hopefully) making real change for the future.
Monday, October 13, 2014
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
Tico Time
Years ago I was fortunate enough to take a trip to Costa Rica as part of a study abroad class. I had an amazing time and am so grateful for the experience. What a beautiful country with genuinely nice people!
Costa Ricans call themselves Ticos. One of my favorite phrases, which we heard often there, was Tico time. Basically it meant that nothing really happened "on time". Things were scheduled at specific times, but if you happened to run in to a friend on your way to some event, you would never say, "Sorry, can't talk, I'm late." You'd take the time to talk to your friend, and then head on to wherever it was you were going. You get there when you get there.
Realistically, I probably wouldn't function well on Tico time. I'm a procrastinator. I wait until the last minute and then rush to finish everything before the deadline. When there's no deadlines, I don't do much. But I love the concept.
Last night I was on my way to a meeting and happened to run into a friend that I hadn't seen in probably a year. It was a total fluke because I was in an area of town I don't normally go to for said meeting (not one of my regular meetings...not a typical meeting...hard to explain exactly what it was...lol), and she had just moved in to that area. She hadn't lived anywhere close to there the last time we'd talked. So I was about a block away from the meeting, but I took the time to talk with her. I found out she's now 8 months sober (she was struggling to string together more than 3 months before), has a new job, and is doing well. Eventually I decided I'd better head to my meeting, though now 15 minutes late rather than the 5 minutes early that I was.
I'm not a huge fan of walking in late places....especially places like that where the door is right by the front of the meeting room so there's no sneaking in the back...but I'm used to it because time management has never been my specialty. Later that night I mentioned the encounter to a friend of mine and she was talking about how nice it was of me to stop and talk to this friend, and how it was such a supportive and caring thing to do. That surprised me because I never really considered doing anything else. Of course greeting and talking to a friend comes before "business". Even if it hadn't been someone that I hadn't seen for a year....even if it was someone I see regularly, I'd still want to take the time to catch up and make sure they're doing ok. That's just the way my mind works...and sometimes it gets me in trouble because so many people value being on time so heavily. I remember being lectured about how it's disrespectful to show up to a class late. I understand what they're saying, but if I see someone I care about along the way, aren't they more important than a class?
When I was in Costa Rica we went to this big rodeo event that most of the town was apparently coming to. It started very late. The rest of my group, all American, was checking their watches, grumbling, and seeming generally unhappy. The Costa Ricans around us were talking and laughing with each other, and none seemed bothered at all by the delay. I asked a man sitting near me about it. He chuckled at the question and said, "They'll get here when they get here!" Works for me! Somehow, the philosophy seems to work and life keeps going there. What I do know is I felt 100x more peaceful there. Granted it was like a vacation....the school was not very school like and i wasn't working or anything...but when I got back to the US I remember sitting in the corner of the airport feeling shell-shocked as I watched people rush by me. Everyone going somewhere, everyone checking their watches, everyone rushing. I wanted to go back to the land of "we'll get there when we get there," where human interaction always trumps punctuality. Of course I may disagree if I spent some real time there, but it felt like a breath of fresh air. So much of the stress of expectation was just gone. There wasn't the constant push to do more. I felt like I could breathe...and just be.
I don't know why this is my chosen rambling today. I've had so many things I wanted to blog about, but when I finally had time to sit down and write I'd forgotten them all! lol So hopefully you'll be hearing from me again soon. My internship starts next week. Eep! :)
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I'm grateful for my new perspective on life. I had some things go on this week that may have done me in stress-wise in my "old life"....but any more I'm able to think through them, find the positive, and keep going with them just being a little glitch along the way.
Costa Ricans call themselves Ticos. One of my favorite phrases, which we heard often there, was Tico time. Basically it meant that nothing really happened "on time". Things were scheduled at specific times, but if you happened to run in to a friend on your way to some event, you would never say, "Sorry, can't talk, I'm late." You'd take the time to talk to your friend, and then head on to wherever it was you were going. You get there when you get there.
Realistically, I probably wouldn't function well on Tico time. I'm a procrastinator. I wait until the last minute and then rush to finish everything before the deadline. When there's no deadlines, I don't do much. But I love the concept.
Last night I was on my way to a meeting and happened to run into a friend that I hadn't seen in probably a year. It was a total fluke because I was in an area of town I don't normally go to for said meeting (not one of my regular meetings...not a typical meeting...hard to explain exactly what it was...lol), and she had just moved in to that area. She hadn't lived anywhere close to there the last time we'd talked. So I was about a block away from the meeting, but I took the time to talk with her. I found out she's now 8 months sober (she was struggling to string together more than 3 months before), has a new job, and is doing well. Eventually I decided I'd better head to my meeting, though now 15 minutes late rather than the 5 minutes early that I was.
I'm not a huge fan of walking in late places....especially places like that where the door is right by the front of the meeting room so there's no sneaking in the back...but I'm used to it because time management has never been my specialty. Later that night I mentioned the encounter to a friend of mine and she was talking about how nice it was of me to stop and talk to this friend, and how it was such a supportive and caring thing to do. That surprised me because I never really considered doing anything else. Of course greeting and talking to a friend comes before "business". Even if it hadn't been someone that I hadn't seen for a year....even if it was someone I see regularly, I'd still want to take the time to catch up and make sure they're doing ok. That's just the way my mind works...and sometimes it gets me in trouble because so many people value being on time so heavily. I remember being lectured about how it's disrespectful to show up to a class late. I understand what they're saying, but if I see someone I care about along the way, aren't they more important than a class?
When I was in Costa Rica we went to this big rodeo event that most of the town was apparently coming to. It started very late. The rest of my group, all American, was checking their watches, grumbling, and seeming generally unhappy. The Costa Ricans around us were talking and laughing with each other, and none seemed bothered at all by the delay. I asked a man sitting near me about it. He chuckled at the question and said, "They'll get here when they get here!" Works for me! Somehow, the philosophy seems to work and life keeps going there. What I do know is I felt 100x more peaceful there. Granted it was like a vacation....the school was not very school like and i wasn't working or anything...but when I got back to the US I remember sitting in the corner of the airport feeling shell-shocked as I watched people rush by me. Everyone going somewhere, everyone checking their watches, everyone rushing. I wanted to go back to the land of "we'll get there when we get there," where human interaction always trumps punctuality. Of course I may disagree if I spent some real time there, but it felt like a breath of fresh air. So much of the stress of expectation was just gone. There wasn't the constant push to do more. I felt like I could breathe...and just be.
I don't know why this is my chosen rambling today. I've had so many things I wanted to blog about, but when I finally had time to sit down and write I'd forgotten them all! lol So hopefully you'll be hearing from me again soon. My internship starts next week. Eep! :)
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I'm grateful for my new perspective on life. I had some things go on this week that may have done me in stress-wise in my "old life"....but any more I'm able to think through them, find the positive, and keep going with them just being a little glitch along the way.
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Little League
Lately I've been spending a lot of time watching the Little League World Series. It's a rather strange fascination of mine I guess, but I've always loved it. It's not just the big world series event, I've just always loved youth sports. Back when my PTSD and anxiety were so bad I could barely function, one of the few things I truly enjoyed was going out to the local little league field. For some reason I just felt safe there. It felt like, when I was watching kids play baseball (or whatever other sport happened to be in season), all was right with the world. Everything was simple, manageable, and understandable. Maybe it was the simplicity of the game, or the families there to cheer, or the kids just out to have fun. Whatever it was, it worked. (It's also helped me to work...over the years I've had jobs coaching kids in many sports....soccer, baseball, tennis, hockey, skiing, etc. :) So naturally, when youth sports takes over ESPN, it's something I want to watch. It makes me feel good.
This time around it's gotten me to thinking...many of these kids' dads are out there on the field with them as coaches. Those parents that aren't coaches are there in the stands watching, even though it's meant traveling across the country or around the world to do so. The parents talk about the sacrifices they've made....the long hours and many miles getting their kids to practices, games, and tournaments....making sure the kids have the gear they need....paying team dues as well as paying for extra coaching and training....working fundraisers for the team...showing up to cheer at every game, etc. It got me wondering....is having involved parents a pre-requisite for success in sports? Obviously no parent is going to be interviewed on tv and say "meh...I don't do much. I show up now and then," and if there is a parent that's not there they're obviously not the one that's going to be interviewed. But I've noticed that with almost every batter that comes up, the camera shows the parents and family members, happily adorned in the team's colors, holding big handmade signs.
This definitely isn't just a baseball thing, or just a little league thing either. I had the same sort of thoughts during the olympics with the repeated "salute to mom" commercials of athletes thanking their moms for all the behind the scenes work they did. (Though not their dads...which bothered me...but that's a topic for another post! lol). In both cases, Olympics and little league, they also generally talk about the years and years of work starting from when the athlete was very young. They talk about joining their first sports team when they were 4 or 5. When I was that age I was learning the safest hiding places in my house, and how to read whether or not dad was drunk. Sports were the furthest thing from my mind!
Of course there's a big range between "hiding from drunk dad" and expensive private coaching. I know not all kids have what the kids on tv are talking about, even though it sometimes seems that way. Also, I did get to play sports sometimes as a kid. I was a natural athlete, so I got to join school teams a few times. I just know that had I ever gotten on a team good enough to travel to another state for a tournament, my mom likely would've pulled me off right then and there, not wanting to put in the money or the work to help me get there. That's just the way my family was.
It's not that I think I would've been some kind of amazing professional athlete had my parents been different. No matter who I had been raised by, I don't see myself as someone having that level of drive and commitment. (Not to mention, the sport I loved was football, and no matter who my parents had been I doubt there was a team anywhere that would've taken me!). But it's just one of those things that makes me wonder. It makes me wonder who I would've been had my parents been different....had my childhood been different.
Wondering about those things for too long is not a safe place for me to go. I have to be careful not to drift too far that way because the answers will never be known. I am who I am. I am me. I only have this one life, and it's entirely possible that what I think would've been a better life for me growing up could've led to somewhere much worse. After all, as much as times have sucked here and there, life is pretty good now. I still struggle, but I wouldn't want to give it up. Anymore I can't think of anyone I'd want to trade with, so there's no reason to think of trying to trade in my past. (Wow...I don't think I've ever said that "out loud"....that there's no one I would want to trade with...but it's actually true. There's really no one else I'd rather be today than me. :)
I guess what this all comes down to is it's just one more thing to grieve. My life has a lot of grief in it right now. So much that I'm still sometimes crying for no reason. (Well, I guess there is a reason, but it seems to come out of nowhere). Mostly I'm grieving for the big things...loss of innocence, loss of a happy childhood, loss of safety and security, loss of the ability to trust people and have genuine relationships, loss of a family I feel like I can fall back on... It's getting better. I'm learning to accept these losses. But every now and then these little things jump up from out of nowhere and they get to me. They're silly things. I get that. I know the world is not going to end because my mom almost never came to sports games I played...and if she did she was sitting in the back looking bored not up front cheering. I know that's not earth-shattering. But sometimes the little things hit the hardest. And it's one more reminder of the cohesive family I wanted more than anything but didn't have.
I did a little reading online today...and came across a website of people (adults) talking about how badly they want a team of theirs....their kids...to go to the little league world series. I realized then, if I ever have kids (which I do still plan to....I really could care less if they ever go to any kind of championship of anything...but I can't wait to be in the front row of whatever they decide to do. That seriously is a dream of mine...to be the coach...or whatever they'll let me be...of some team my kid is on and get to share that with them. It's just a family moment I really really want. And no, it doesn't have to be sports, because if I say I want it to be sports that pretty much guarantees my kid will hate sports and be in to chess or something like that, right? lol It's just a connection I wish I'd had...and one I'm excited to one day give to kids of my own.
It's also one more little thing that's a bit scary when I think about it. I have yet to find a high-level athlete who didn't start playing their sport when they were very young (except for a few select sports that seem to cater a bit more towards "older" athletes). So this is just one more example of where decisions made for kids when they're very young, or how even the youngest of kids are raised, can have a HUGE impact on where they end up as adults. You'd think that when they're that young it doesn't matter too much, but once again you just never know when that moment is going to be that's going to shape the future. As someone who has coached, I could've been a part of it for a kid and not even known. I just hope my impact was a positive one. :)
Before I finish up with Little League related stuff I just gotta share one more thing. A speech from the best coach ever. Seriously. After hearing this I want to find a way to nominate this guy for president! Honestly he was so incredible that when the game ended and his team was eliminated, rather than showing the other team celebrating their win and getting to move on in the tournament...the cameras went straight to this guy to hear this talk. I've never seen that before in any televised sports events but this speech was worth it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OqrlfzvmxBA&feature=youtu.be&list=UU-Qt6Z8V0pVtFjA4dL0y8yQ
Coach Belisle for president! Or at the very least I need to hire him as my life coach! lol
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I'm grateful that even in the midst of the worst chaos of my life I've been able to find something somewhere that brings me comfort....even if it seems weird to the outside world. And frankly, the fact that it's always been as simple as eating a burger at a little league field, even when I can barely eat or think or function otherwise...is a pretty sweet deal for me! Yay for simple things to bring comfort! If it's simple, it's always available in one way or another.
This time around it's gotten me to thinking...many of these kids' dads are out there on the field with them as coaches. Those parents that aren't coaches are there in the stands watching, even though it's meant traveling across the country or around the world to do so. The parents talk about the sacrifices they've made....the long hours and many miles getting their kids to practices, games, and tournaments....making sure the kids have the gear they need....paying team dues as well as paying for extra coaching and training....working fundraisers for the team...showing up to cheer at every game, etc. It got me wondering....is having involved parents a pre-requisite for success in sports? Obviously no parent is going to be interviewed on tv and say "meh...I don't do much. I show up now and then," and if there is a parent that's not there they're obviously not the one that's going to be interviewed. But I've noticed that with almost every batter that comes up, the camera shows the parents and family members, happily adorned in the team's colors, holding big handmade signs.
This definitely isn't just a baseball thing, or just a little league thing either. I had the same sort of thoughts during the olympics with the repeated "salute to mom" commercials of athletes thanking their moms for all the behind the scenes work they did. (Though not their dads...which bothered me...but that's a topic for another post! lol). In both cases, Olympics and little league, they also generally talk about the years and years of work starting from when the athlete was very young. They talk about joining their first sports team when they were 4 or 5. When I was that age I was learning the safest hiding places in my house, and how to read whether or not dad was drunk. Sports were the furthest thing from my mind!
Of course there's a big range between "hiding from drunk dad" and expensive private coaching. I know not all kids have what the kids on tv are talking about, even though it sometimes seems that way. Also, I did get to play sports sometimes as a kid. I was a natural athlete, so I got to join school teams a few times. I just know that had I ever gotten on a team good enough to travel to another state for a tournament, my mom likely would've pulled me off right then and there, not wanting to put in the money or the work to help me get there. That's just the way my family was.
It's not that I think I would've been some kind of amazing professional athlete had my parents been different. No matter who I had been raised by, I don't see myself as someone having that level of drive and commitment. (Not to mention, the sport I loved was football, and no matter who my parents had been I doubt there was a team anywhere that would've taken me!). But it's just one of those things that makes me wonder. It makes me wonder who I would've been had my parents been different....had my childhood been different.
Wondering about those things for too long is not a safe place for me to go. I have to be careful not to drift too far that way because the answers will never be known. I am who I am. I am me. I only have this one life, and it's entirely possible that what I think would've been a better life for me growing up could've led to somewhere much worse. After all, as much as times have sucked here and there, life is pretty good now. I still struggle, but I wouldn't want to give it up. Anymore I can't think of anyone I'd want to trade with, so there's no reason to think of trying to trade in my past. (Wow...I don't think I've ever said that "out loud"....that there's no one I would want to trade with...but it's actually true. There's really no one else I'd rather be today than me. :)
I guess what this all comes down to is it's just one more thing to grieve. My life has a lot of grief in it right now. So much that I'm still sometimes crying for no reason. (Well, I guess there is a reason, but it seems to come out of nowhere). Mostly I'm grieving for the big things...loss of innocence, loss of a happy childhood, loss of safety and security, loss of the ability to trust people and have genuine relationships, loss of a family I feel like I can fall back on... It's getting better. I'm learning to accept these losses. But every now and then these little things jump up from out of nowhere and they get to me. They're silly things. I get that. I know the world is not going to end because my mom almost never came to sports games I played...and if she did she was sitting in the back looking bored not up front cheering. I know that's not earth-shattering. But sometimes the little things hit the hardest. And it's one more reminder of the cohesive family I wanted more than anything but didn't have.
I did a little reading online today...and came across a website of people (adults) talking about how badly they want a team of theirs....their kids...to go to the little league world series. I realized then, if I ever have kids (which I do still plan to....I really could care less if they ever go to any kind of championship of anything...but I can't wait to be in the front row of whatever they decide to do. That seriously is a dream of mine...to be the coach...or whatever they'll let me be...of some team my kid is on and get to share that with them. It's just a family moment I really really want. And no, it doesn't have to be sports, because if I say I want it to be sports that pretty much guarantees my kid will hate sports and be in to chess or something like that, right? lol It's just a connection I wish I'd had...and one I'm excited to one day give to kids of my own.
It's also one more little thing that's a bit scary when I think about it. I have yet to find a high-level athlete who didn't start playing their sport when they were very young (except for a few select sports that seem to cater a bit more towards "older" athletes). So this is just one more example of where decisions made for kids when they're very young, or how even the youngest of kids are raised, can have a HUGE impact on where they end up as adults. You'd think that when they're that young it doesn't matter too much, but once again you just never know when that moment is going to be that's going to shape the future. As someone who has coached, I could've been a part of it for a kid and not even known. I just hope my impact was a positive one. :)
Before I finish up with Little League related stuff I just gotta share one more thing. A speech from the best coach ever. Seriously. After hearing this I want to find a way to nominate this guy for president! Honestly he was so incredible that when the game ended and his team was eliminated, rather than showing the other team celebrating their win and getting to move on in the tournament...the cameras went straight to this guy to hear this talk. I've never seen that before in any televised sports events but this speech was worth it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OqrlfzvmxBA&feature=youtu.be&list=UU-Qt6Z8V0pVtFjA4dL0y8yQ
Coach Belisle for president! Or at the very least I need to hire him as my life coach! lol
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I'm grateful that even in the midst of the worst chaos of my life I've been able to find something somewhere that brings me comfort....even if it seems weird to the outside world. And frankly, the fact that it's always been as simple as eating a burger at a little league field, even when I can barely eat or think or function otherwise...is a pretty sweet deal for me! Yay for simple things to bring comfort! If it's simple, it's always available in one way or another.
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Suicide
I guess it's time for me to blog again. Losing my last post really took it out of me. Usually I'm better about saving things as I write. I guess that one just wasn't meant to be seen. Anyway...back to today.
I think I have some survivor's guilt when it comes to suicide. I've been hospitalized twice because I was suicidal, and there are multiple times in my life that I should've died, either from attempted suicide or from indifference. Many nights I didn't exactly want to die, but I really didn't care if I lived to see the next morning, and I acted accordingly. It scares me because I don't know why I lived. It definitely wasn't because of something I did. Some say it was because my higher power was there. I think that's probably true, but at the same time what does that say about people who do successfully carry out suicide? Does god not care for them as much? No, I can't believe that. I know I didn't do anything back then that made me "deserve" to be alive. Not that people should necessarily earn their right to live or anything, but I brought a lot of pain to the world back in my suicidal days, and I hadn't done much of anything to help anyone. My net impact wasn't positive!
So then you have someone like Robin Williams. Well loved by so, so many. It seems like the whole world is in mourning today. From what I've read and seen he was well loved off screen too. He admits he did a lot he's not proud of during his active addiction, but it seems like he was a genuinely good guy. So the response I have inside is hard to put words to. When I was suicidal, I was some dumb kid living on the streets (or close to it). Had I been successful, very few people would've noticed me gone, and their thoughts of me would not have lasted long. So, if there were some sort of world quota for suicide, it would make sense to get rid of me, rather than him. That said, I was a kid with nothing. From outside appearances, he had everything. Money, fame, family, friends, etc.
I know firsthand that it isn't that outside stuff that leads a person to suicide. It's way bigger than that. You have to feel so completely empty inside that you can't imagine continuing on. It is a depth of pain that is truly inexplicable and goes way beyond just whether or not things are going well in your life at the moment. This last time that I was hospitalized, I knew people cared, and honestly I was angry at them for caring. In my mind, they were keeping me from reaching that final peace. I thought often, "Why couldn't I have just died when I was truly unknown?" There were times when literally no one would've noticed me missing for a long time, if at all. Also, no matter how much people cared about me, I still genuinely believed they'd be better off without me. I can't really explain it because it isn't logical. But I knew I hurt so badly that I couldn't possibly be a benefit to anyone else. "They'll see, once I'm gone it will be better." I was so, so blinded by pain. I wanted the people around me to see that all I could possibly bring to the world was pain.
I tried to get help but was constantly blocked from it...first by pride, then by money and resources. It amazes me to hear of a celebrity suicide because they literally have access to any resource they could possibly want. All the therapy, all the inpatient rehab, all the whatever. It's at their fingertips. Of course they also have the constant judgment that follows. It makes national news if they go to any one of those places. I can't imagine if my life had been so on display when I was in such a dark place. In the case of Robin Williams, it kills me to know that he was seen by so many, and yet no one could reach out in the way that he needed to bring him out of where he was trapped. I don't blame anyone around him, nor do I blame him. Depression is terrifyingly sneaky and stealth. I just wish, as I know everyone does, that it could've been different. I wish he could've felt the love that the world has for him. I guess this all goes to show that even the biggest names are far from immune. Sometimes I think it's worse for them. The better you look on the outside, the more you're judged for how you feel inside. If things are going well in your life, you're expected to be happy. You're a comedian, you're expected not to be sad. I imagine it was that much harder for him than it was for me to admit he needed help, even though he had the resources available.
Last thing...he checked himself into rehab just a couple of months ago...not because he was drinking or using again, but because of mental illness. So even with inpatient treatment, he couldn't defeat whatever it was that was going on in his head. Obviously no one but him can know for sure...but from what I can see, he did everything right and depression still won! That's so scary to me! People want to blame those that kill themselves or attempt to....talking about how selfish they are. But in my own experience, and with every suicidal or formerly suicidal person i've spoken to, they've lost touch with the ability to feel connected to others. They can't grasp how their death will impact anyone. But it's not that they're not thinking of others. These people who want to blame the depressed person love to say, "Well they should've done ______." But sometimes I don't think anyone knows the answer to what they should actually do. He sought intensive inpatient help, so clearly he talked to people and I can only assume (hope) got medication. He didn't go back to his addictions (as far as I know). He tried to handle it the right way, and it still got the best of him.
Of course it's sad when the celebrities (or anyone) that have a long history of drug use eventually overdose, but at the same time it's almost expected. I know how hard it is to get sober....but ultimately it is a choice whether to take action. And addicts know that choosing to continue to use will eventually lead to death. But when someone gets sober and stays sober, seeks help for their mental illness, and still can't get through it....that's both terrifying and tragic. Is there really nothing that can protect one from severe depression?
Had I died when I'd wanted to, obviously I know the reaction wouldn't have been as big as this one is....but I'm feeling so strongly about Robin Williams and I've never actually met him. I can't imagine what I would've put those who cared about me through. Even though obviously I didn't succeed, it still pains me to think how close I came to hurting so many. I wish there was some way that I could take it back, even though many that are close to me have no idea how close I came. I also think of the people I know now. Even though I struggle to believe that people actually like me, today I know I have a place in the world and a meaningful impact. Had I died back then, that impact wouldn't have happened. It just feels like there's this balance in the world, and something like suicide throws it off so badly. Maybe it really was just his time to go. I don't know if it will ever make sense. But I am so overwhelmed with grief, sadness, and guilt right now that it's hard to even function. I want it to make sense, and I don't think it ever will.
--------------
I really am grateful to be alive, even though lately I at times have been struggling to show it. I really am trying to live today in a way that shows that gratitude.
I think I have some survivor's guilt when it comes to suicide. I've been hospitalized twice because I was suicidal, and there are multiple times in my life that I should've died, either from attempted suicide or from indifference. Many nights I didn't exactly want to die, but I really didn't care if I lived to see the next morning, and I acted accordingly. It scares me because I don't know why I lived. It definitely wasn't because of something I did. Some say it was because my higher power was there. I think that's probably true, but at the same time what does that say about people who do successfully carry out suicide? Does god not care for them as much? No, I can't believe that. I know I didn't do anything back then that made me "deserve" to be alive. Not that people should necessarily earn their right to live or anything, but I brought a lot of pain to the world back in my suicidal days, and I hadn't done much of anything to help anyone. My net impact wasn't positive!
So then you have someone like Robin Williams. Well loved by so, so many. It seems like the whole world is in mourning today. From what I've read and seen he was well loved off screen too. He admits he did a lot he's not proud of during his active addiction, but it seems like he was a genuinely good guy. So the response I have inside is hard to put words to. When I was suicidal, I was some dumb kid living on the streets (or close to it). Had I been successful, very few people would've noticed me gone, and their thoughts of me would not have lasted long. So, if there were some sort of world quota for suicide, it would make sense to get rid of me, rather than him. That said, I was a kid with nothing. From outside appearances, he had everything. Money, fame, family, friends, etc.
I know firsthand that it isn't that outside stuff that leads a person to suicide. It's way bigger than that. You have to feel so completely empty inside that you can't imagine continuing on. It is a depth of pain that is truly inexplicable and goes way beyond just whether or not things are going well in your life at the moment. This last time that I was hospitalized, I knew people cared, and honestly I was angry at them for caring. In my mind, they were keeping me from reaching that final peace. I thought often, "Why couldn't I have just died when I was truly unknown?" There were times when literally no one would've noticed me missing for a long time, if at all. Also, no matter how much people cared about me, I still genuinely believed they'd be better off without me. I can't really explain it because it isn't logical. But I knew I hurt so badly that I couldn't possibly be a benefit to anyone else. "They'll see, once I'm gone it will be better." I was so, so blinded by pain. I wanted the people around me to see that all I could possibly bring to the world was pain.
I tried to get help but was constantly blocked from it...first by pride, then by money and resources. It amazes me to hear of a celebrity suicide because they literally have access to any resource they could possibly want. All the therapy, all the inpatient rehab, all the whatever. It's at their fingertips. Of course they also have the constant judgment that follows. It makes national news if they go to any one of those places. I can't imagine if my life had been so on display when I was in such a dark place. In the case of Robin Williams, it kills me to know that he was seen by so many, and yet no one could reach out in the way that he needed to bring him out of where he was trapped. I don't blame anyone around him, nor do I blame him. Depression is terrifyingly sneaky and stealth. I just wish, as I know everyone does, that it could've been different. I wish he could've felt the love that the world has for him. I guess this all goes to show that even the biggest names are far from immune. Sometimes I think it's worse for them. The better you look on the outside, the more you're judged for how you feel inside. If things are going well in your life, you're expected to be happy. You're a comedian, you're expected not to be sad. I imagine it was that much harder for him than it was for me to admit he needed help, even though he had the resources available.
Last thing...he checked himself into rehab just a couple of months ago...not because he was drinking or using again, but because of mental illness. So even with inpatient treatment, he couldn't defeat whatever it was that was going on in his head. Obviously no one but him can know for sure...but from what I can see, he did everything right and depression still won! That's so scary to me! People want to blame those that kill themselves or attempt to....talking about how selfish they are. But in my own experience, and with every suicidal or formerly suicidal person i've spoken to, they've lost touch with the ability to feel connected to others. They can't grasp how their death will impact anyone. But it's not that they're not thinking of others. These people who want to blame the depressed person love to say, "Well they should've done ______." But sometimes I don't think anyone knows the answer to what they should actually do. He sought intensive inpatient help, so clearly he talked to people and I can only assume (hope) got medication. He didn't go back to his addictions (as far as I know). He tried to handle it the right way, and it still got the best of him.
Of course it's sad when the celebrities (or anyone) that have a long history of drug use eventually overdose, but at the same time it's almost expected. I know how hard it is to get sober....but ultimately it is a choice whether to take action. And addicts know that choosing to continue to use will eventually lead to death. But when someone gets sober and stays sober, seeks help for their mental illness, and still can't get through it....that's both terrifying and tragic. Is there really nothing that can protect one from severe depression?
Had I died when I'd wanted to, obviously I know the reaction wouldn't have been as big as this one is....but I'm feeling so strongly about Robin Williams and I've never actually met him. I can't imagine what I would've put those who cared about me through. Even though obviously I didn't succeed, it still pains me to think how close I came to hurting so many. I wish there was some way that I could take it back, even though many that are close to me have no idea how close I came. I also think of the people I know now. Even though I struggle to believe that people actually like me, today I know I have a place in the world and a meaningful impact. Had I died back then, that impact wouldn't have happened. It just feels like there's this balance in the world, and something like suicide throws it off so badly. Maybe it really was just his time to go. I don't know if it will ever make sense. But I am so overwhelmed with grief, sadness, and guilt right now that it's hard to even function. I want it to make sense, and I don't think it ever will.
--------------
I really am grateful to be alive, even though lately I at times have been struggling to show it. I really am trying to live today in a way that shows that gratitude.
Saturday, August 2, 2014
Ugh
I just wrote out a super emotional post that took a lot out of me to write, and then the stupid website ate it. :( So frustrating.
Friday, August 1, 2014
It's going to be ok
I'm still struggling a lot. I can't even really explain why, which is half the frustration. I'm just grieving, hurt, emotional, overwhelmed, etc. I'm panicking and really struggling to deal with even the basics. I've been trying to write about it, but every time I get lost in the words.
A few minutes ago I was sitting online with a close friend of mine. She's going through some really rough stuff as well. Way beyond anything I'm facing really. I feel bad that I can't do much to support her in my "current state" (though we live many states away so not sure I could offer much in this situation anyway).
So tonight we sat there together...both overwhelmed and afraid...both without many words to offer the other...so we just sat. As we were about to say goodnight this incredible feeling came over me. It was like nothing I've ever felt before. All day today I've been overwhelmed looking at the struggle I have ahead of me, and hers is even bigger...but I got this overwhelming feeling of "It's going to be ok" that was so strong it brought me to tears. Totally out of the blue, while sitting in a dark room in the wee hours of the morning...this moment of power. It's gone again, but I'm trying to hold on to what's left of it to keep me going. Deep down I know it will be ok, but it also feels like right now there's a lot of evidence against that.
I'm back to being afraid to sleep again....waaaaay more so than I was before. I've had WAY more nightmares since going on the meds that were supposed to help keep nightmares away. :( And now I'm remembering them more clearly too. This is especially tough because i've been especially working to convince the scared parts of me that going to sleep is safe. So now I'm sitting here awake and doing everything I can to keep telling myself it's going to be ok. Whatever that feeling was, it helped.
------------
I'm grateful for my sponsor. She took me out to breakfast today and it was just a nice break from all the crazy. Everything just seems a little calmer when she's around....and I know I sometimes exhaust her with my chaos but she still stays with me!
A few minutes ago I was sitting online with a close friend of mine. She's going through some really rough stuff as well. Way beyond anything I'm facing really. I feel bad that I can't do much to support her in my "current state" (though we live many states away so not sure I could offer much in this situation anyway).
So tonight we sat there together...both overwhelmed and afraid...both without many words to offer the other...so we just sat. As we were about to say goodnight this incredible feeling came over me. It was like nothing I've ever felt before. All day today I've been overwhelmed looking at the struggle I have ahead of me, and hers is even bigger...but I got this overwhelming feeling of "It's going to be ok" that was so strong it brought me to tears. Totally out of the blue, while sitting in a dark room in the wee hours of the morning...this moment of power. It's gone again, but I'm trying to hold on to what's left of it to keep me going. Deep down I know it will be ok, but it also feels like right now there's a lot of evidence against that.
I'm back to being afraid to sleep again....waaaaay more so than I was before. I've had WAY more nightmares since going on the meds that were supposed to help keep nightmares away. :( And now I'm remembering them more clearly too. This is especially tough because i've been especially working to convince the scared parts of me that going to sleep is safe. So now I'm sitting here awake and doing everything I can to keep telling myself it's going to be ok. Whatever that feeling was, it helped.
------------
I'm grateful for my sponsor. She took me out to breakfast today and it was just a nice break from all the crazy. Everything just seems a little calmer when she's around....and I know I sometimes exhaust her with my chaos but she still stays with me!
Saturday, July 26, 2014
Well that was depressing...
I had a rather in depth post that I was working on for tonight...but then I got really really wrapped up in reading some very old emails (starting in 2005) that I didn't even know I had saved! What a fun trip down memory lane! It was soooo entertaining looking back on now that I know how we've all "grown up". (It was the email address I created specifically for message boards and such so it's all online friends, though some have become face to face friends as well). There were some who made a huge deal about how they wanted to be there for me always and never ever leave, who then mysteriously vanished and I haven't heard from them in YEARS! Others are close friends today who I made repeated but rather pitiful attempts to push away every time I got nervous or anxious. I had emails from some saying how they were giving up their foster license to focus on the kids they had. Their family has doubled in size since through foster and adoption. I came across one woman who rather obsessively told me I needed therapy. Being the rebellious, drama infused lil brat I was at the time, I felt a need to continuously email her to complain about my life and give her the reasons I wasn't in therapy. Some of these exchanges were like an on-going freakin soap opera! Most of the time I was cringing watching my own reaction to things and how self-absorbed I really was back then. But there were definitely times that even today I agree with me. I was not the only drama infused brat! lol Oh and then there was the woman I'd been exchanging emails with when I was going through a rough patch. At one point she replied, "If only we lived in the same town so I could come be with you in person..." Turns out, we do! lol We must have just not asked each other back then. I only remember getting to know her many years later, so I was really surprised to see a conversation from so long ago!
As I was scrolling through, I found an exchange I'd completely forgotten about with this incredibly kind, sweet woman. We had met through craigslist of all places. At the time I was trying to offer myself as a volunteer to help foster families since I wanted to pay it forward for what was given to me by my foster parents. This woman didn't need my help, but emailed me just to thank me for my kind offer and for acknowledging foster parents. I told her my reasons behind it and we got to talking. She wanted to hear all about my experiences in care, and anything I could offer her as far as insights with her kids. (She had 4 preschoolers at the time! Way out of my league! lol). Anyway, for a period of about 9 months she became one of my biggest cheerleaders. It was while I was in school the first time around, and really struggling to finish. My memories had just started to become clear to me, my PTSD symptoms were going crazy, and I had no clue how to handle any of it. Doing homework and focusing in class (or even going to class) took a waaaay backseat. It was all I could do to get through the day, and this woman was right there with me through it, emailing me and cheering me on, and just offering me the most understanding words ever. She really wanted more than anything for me to come meet her family and spend time with them. Easter was coming up, and she wanted to include me in all her family's holiday stuff. (She's one of those that goes all out with coloring eggs and even leaving traces of "easter bunny fur"). It really upset her that I struggled with holidays so much and felt so alone, and she wanted to do everything she could to give me a safe place to be.
I was torn. On the one hand I badly wanted that too. On the other, I'd had mixed experiences with joining other people's families. I had recently had a very negative experience with a similar situation with another online friend. (I was already feeling nervous and out of place....always a struggle for me based on all my foster care experience and never really feeling "home"....and one of the relatives that was there said he wanted to get a family picture and was gathering everyone up. I followed everyone in because it seemed like the thing to do, and he looked at me and said, "No, just the family." I know he didn't mean anything by it but it was absolutely crushing to me. I ran out of there and went home sobbing. Did I mention I was in a very shaky emotional place at that time? lol). Anyway...I really wanted to meet her...and she was even offering to cook my favorite foods....but I never did get up the courage to meet her.
Re-reading our exchanges just warmed my heart....though it made me sad to watch myself slowly fade away. Granted I had good reason to fade away. I was getting ready to graduate and move to a new state for a job. As I read I started thinking, wouldn't it be cool to find this woman and surprise her?! I doubt she'd remember me, but how fun would it be to email her, remind her who I am, and tell her about my new successful, sober self....probably even confident enough to meet her in person and hug her and thank her for everything she gave me. I knew the email address I had for her was no longer current because last year my email address decided to spam everyone and the one to her was denied....(I guess spam can be useful! lol). I went to google to see what I could find. I typed in her name, and the first thing that popped up was "obituary". I thought, "That must be someone else!" but her name is pretty unique. Not likely that there'd be two in the same area. She had told me how old she was back when we were talking, so I started trying to use the obit years and do the math....it seemed to match up. Ugh. I went to the funeral home site where you can leave comments, and sure enough they were all addressed to her husband. Ugh. She died in 2012. I couldn't find anything that said what happened to her. She was only 47.
As I said, We only talked for about 9 months back in 2006...I'm sure she'd long since forgotten about me. But she'd told me multiple times in emails, even when I wasn't doing well writing her back, that she was regularly thinking about me and praying for me. Who knows what she would've said had I had the chance to talk to her again. But it just goes to show, you just can't wait for things in life. I'm so bad about putting things off because I'm just not sure if I can handle it. I put off meeting her, and now I never will. I wonder what else I've put off because I've sat pacing in insecurity rather than going out and trying. Maybe this sudden need to read through old emails tonight was a sign for me to stop being afraid and get out and live. That's definitely what I've been needing to hear.
It's really sad to me to think that the world lost such a caring soul so early. I also know they were trying so hard to be able to adopt kids, and from what I could gather from the comments on the obit page, they'd finally been able to. She couldn't have kids of her own, so a big family was what she'd wanted more than anything.
I wish I'd gotten the chance to tell her how much she meant to me...I worry I hurt her by my continual backing out on tentative plans to meet, though I did explain why. But maybe I can use her influence as inspiration to get through this current rough spot and get back in to life.
Life's short folks....dessert first! ;)
----------------------
Wow...so overwhelmed right now. What I saw in my email box from '05 and '06 (and beyond, but especially then) was person after person ready to be there for me....to hear me...to support me. It really is amazing to look back on. I have been so so fortunate to always have people around to support me. Every time I think I'm alone, someone else appears. It's always been that way, even as a kid. Of course now I know that I'll never be truly alone because my higher power is in my corner, but I'm just grateful for this amazing stream of incredible people that have come through my life. I don't know how I got to be so fortunate.
As I was scrolling through, I found an exchange I'd completely forgotten about with this incredibly kind, sweet woman. We had met through craigslist of all places. At the time I was trying to offer myself as a volunteer to help foster families since I wanted to pay it forward for what was given to me by my foster parents. This woman didn't need my help, but emailed me just to thank me for my kind offer and for acknowledging foster parents. I told her my reasons behind it and we got to talking. She wanted to hear all about my experiences in care, and anything I could offer her as far as insights with her kids. (She had 4 preschoolers at the time! Way out of my league! lol). Anyway, for a period of about 9 months she became one of my biggest cheerleaders. It was while I was in school the first time around, and really struggling to finish. My memories had just started to become clear to me, my PTSD symptoms were going crazy, and I had no clue how to handle any of it. Doing homework and focusing in class (or even going to class) took a waaaay backseat. It was all I could do to get through the day, and this woman was right there with me through it, emailing me and cheering me on, and just offering me the most understanding words ever. She really wanted more than anything for me to come meet her family and spend time with them. Easter was coming up, and she wanted to include me in all her family's holiday stuff. (She's one of those that goes all out with coloring eggs and even leaving traces of "easter bunny fur"). It really upset her that I struggled with holidays so much and felt so alone, and she wanted to do everything she could to give me a safe place to be.
I was torn. On the one hand I badly wanted that too. On the other, I'd had mixed experiences with joining other people's families. I had recently had a very negative experience with a similar situation with another online friend. (I was already feeling nervous and out of place....always a struggle for me based on all my foster care experience and never really feeling "home"....and one of the relatives that was there said he wanted to get a family picture and was gathering everyone up. I followed everyone in because it seemed like the thing to do, and he looked at me and said, "No, just the family." I know he didn't mean anything by it but it was absolutely crushing to me. I ran out of there and went home sobbing. Did I mention I was in a very shaky emotional place at that time? lol). Anyway...I really wanted to meet her...and she was even offering to cook my favorite foods....but I never did get up the courage to meet her.
Re-reading our exchanges just warmed my heart....though it made me sad to watch myself slowly fade away. Granted I had good reason to fade away. I was getting ready to graduate and move to a new state for a job. As I read I started thinking, wouldn't it be cool to find this woman and surprise her?! I doubt she'd remember me, but how fun would it be to email her, remind her who I am, and tell her about my new successful, sober self....probably even confident enough to meet her in person and hug her and thank her for everything she gave me. I knew the email address I had for her was no longer current because last year my email address decided to spam everyone and the one to her was denied....(I guess spam can be useful! lol). I went to google to see what I could find. I typed in her name, and the first thing that popped up was "obituary". I thought, "That must be someone else!" but her name is pretty unique. Not likely that there'd be two in the same area. She had told me how old she was back when we were talking, so I started trying to use the obit years and do the math....it seemed to match up. Ugh. I went to the funeral home site where you can leave comments, and sure enough they were all addressed to her husband. Ugh. She died in 2012. I couldn't find anything that said what happened to her. She was only 47.
As I said, We only talked for about 9 months back in 2006...I'm sure she'd long since forgotten about me. But she'd told me multiple times in emails, even when I wasn't doing well writing her back, that she was regularly thinking about me and praying for me. Who knows what she would've said had I had the chance to talk to her again. But it just goes to show, you just can't wait for things in life. I'm so bad about putting things off because I'm just not sure if I can handle it. I put off meeting her, and now I never will. I wonder what else I've put off because I've sat pacing in insecurity rather than going out and trying. Maybe this sudden need to read through old emails tonight was a sign for me to stop being afraid and get out and live. That's definitely what I've been needing to hear.
It's really sad to me to think that the world lost such a caring soul so early. I also know they were trying so hard to be able to adopt kids, and from what I could gather from the comments on the obit page, they'd finally been able to. She couldn't have kids of her own, so a big family was what she'd wanted more than anything.
I wish I'd gotten the chance to tell her how much she meant to me...I worry I hurt her by my continual backing out on tentative plans to meet, though I did explain why. But maybe I can use her influence as inspiration to get through this current rough spot and get back in to life.
Life's short folks....dessert first! ;)
----------------------
Wow...so overwhelmed right now. What I saw in my email box from '05 and '06 (and beyond, but especially then) was person after person ready to be there for me....to hear me...to support me. It really is amazing to look back on. I have been so so fortunate to always have people around to support me. Every time I think I'm alone, someone else appears. It's always been that way, even as a kid. Of course now I know that I'll never be truly alone because my higher power is in my corner, but I'm just grateful for this amazing stream of incredible people that have come through my life. I don't know how I got to be so fortunate.
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